Hindsight
by Bobbie23
Summary: After Maeve's death, Morgan worries about Reid. Reid/Maeve, Morgan/Prentiss
1. Chapter 1

Hindsight

Hindsight is not only clearer than perception-in-the-moment but also unfair to those who actually lived through the moment.

EDWIN S. SHNEIDMAN, _Autopsy of a Suicidal Mind_

Morgan paid for his coffee and walked towards the Quantico main entrance, out of the corner of his eye he caught the sight of Reid. The kid, not paying attention, was walking towards a member of the cleaning crew who had stopped in his path to fix the wheel on his cart. Morgan quickly caught him by the arm and pulled him away so he wouldn't trip over the man.

"What was that for?" Spencer asked him.

"Did you not see the janitor and his cart?" Spencer looked behind them and realised that Morgan had prevented an accident. "Where's your head at this morning?"

His eyes widened, not wanting to elaborate on his thoughts, still raw with grief, Spencer mumbled "Thanks." He continued his journey to the elevator.

Seeing the 'deer in headlights' expression, Morgan realised where the younger man's thoughts had been. Quickly catching up to him, he caught the elevator door as it was about to close. "Listen, Reid, if you ever want to talk about Maeve, I'm hear."

Reid turned to the older man and contemplated his offer. "Thank you, but I'm not ready to talk." Morgan was unsure what to say, and was saved by the doors pinging open, revealing Garcia with an armful of files, her mood brightening the atmosphere immediately.

"Good morning Baby Girl," Morgan gave her a wide smile.

"I'll show you a good morning Hot Stuff." She smiled flirtatiously at Morgan before turning her attention towards the other departing occupant. "Morning, Reid."

"Morning Garcia," wanting to escape Morgan's scrutiny he went to get his morning coffee.

"Hey, everybody at the round table in five minutes, there's a case," she called to his retreating form. She turned to Morgan. "Is he okay?"

"I'm not sure," he sighed. "It takes time," he said his own thoughts drifting back to those seven months of hell. Garcia's eyes relayed her own empathy as she recalled how broken they had all been. Not wanting to dwell on the past, Morgan brought them back to the present "What's the case Baby Girl?"

"Horrible. Two girls found dead, another one missing. Florida"

…...

They'd been in Florida for a day and a half when it happened. He'd snapped and stormed off. Apparently one of the victims had complained to the police about someone peeking into her house at all hours and the local PD had done nothing. Hotch went to follow the young agent, but Morgan stepped in between them and said he'd go check on him.

He walked for about five minutes before he found Reid, sat on a bench in a park staring blankly at everything going on around at him, not taking anything in. The same expression he had worn the morning before.

"Mind if I sit?" Morgan broke through his train of thought. Spencer gestured to the other half of the bench.

"Is Hotch mad?"

"No, he's concerned. We all are."

"I'm angry. That girl was being harassed and they didn't check it out. They should have at least sent a patrol car through the neighbourhood."

"I understand, they dropped the ball. But we can now follow this line of inquiry and try to catch this guy." Morgan paused. "You've got to keep it professional."

"I know," Spencer looked down at his hands, unsure whether to continue. But considering his outburst at the lead local detective, and the fact that Morgan had to step in caused him to carry on "It's just lately I've been thinking about hind sight and what I would have done differently if I had known that was all the time I was going to get with Maeve." He paused.

Morgan took a deep breath, trying not to recall the similar thoughts he'd had after Emily had 'died'. He waited for Spencer to continue, the younger man needed someone to listen not tell him what to do or feel.

"And I've concluded that I'm mad at you," Spencer said glancing at Morgan.

"Me? Why me?"

"Because you were presented with a second chance and never took it." Before Morgan could respond, Spencer started his journey back to the police station.

He sat on the bench for a few minutes, watching the retreating form of Reid. He had never thought it would've been Reid to call him out on his feelings for Emily. He always assumed Hotch would, maybe Rossi, but never Reid. Morgan rose to his feet slowly and followed the doctor back to station, thoughts drifting to a night of dancing, whispered promises, goodbyes, and stolen kisses that had never been spoken of since.


	2. Chapter 2

Author Note – I was so nervous posting the first chapter I forgot to put a disclaimer:

I don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters.

Also thank you for the lovely reviews and encouragement.

Hindsight – chapter 2

When he walked through the door of the station, he saw Spencer apologising to Hotch before resuming whatever task he had been set by the unit chief. Hotch locked gazes with Morgan briefly, after a moment he slightly raised an eyebrow. Questioning whether he was okay. Morgan shrugged it off. Thankfully Hotch let it drop.

During their time out, the team had discovered the police had received other reports of a man peeping through windows. They split into pairs to investigate, Hotch with Blake, JJ and Reid, and himself with Rossi.

They had asked all the witnesses to make sure they had someone to stay with them and gave them their cards to contact them if the peeper came back. After speaking to the girls who had reported the incidents, they had a working profile to deliver.

Hotch stood alongside his team in front of the local law enforcement. "We're looking for a white man, early to mid-twenties. He'll be small, but strong."

"He likes to watch," Rossi continued. "Developing from when he was a child; sitting in the corner of the playground watching the others play. Authority figures will have noticed this, so, he attempts to hide it. Peeking around corners; blending in without being a part of the situation. He does it so he can understand why he can't fit in. He will have been attracted to these women and would worry about how to approach them. Which is why he follows them, and he assumes they will reject him unless he takes them by force."

Giving the profile out to the public had ignited the hotlines at the station. A lead from a hard ware store owner had led them to the Unsub, one of his regular customers. They had found the Unsub in the basement of his house poised with a hammer, ready to strike his victim.

Not twenty four hours later they were home. Reid was still avoiding him, and he wasn't sure that was a bad thing. Truth be told it was times like this Morgan was grateful for his own office so he could lock himself away, the downside of working with profilers was they knew when something was wrong.

Dumping his go bag in the chair opposite the desk, he slumped in his own. The beep of his phone told him he had a message, pulling it out he saw her face. A quick snap he'd taken on a rare team night, Emily had been laughing at something she, JJ, and Penelope had been talking about. She had looked up at the flash and given him a big smile.

"Hi I heard you just got back. If you want to talk, call me, Em x"

He wondered who called her. Probably JJ, possibly Penelope. JJ had been giving him and Spencer worried looks the entire journey home. Penelope had asked if everything was okay between them as well.

Morgan debated whether to talk to her. They spoke regularly since her move to London but neither had mentioned him taking her home after the wedding, or the kisses they had shared. She would want to know what was wrong, and he didn't want to explain, he didn't want her to become uncomfortable.

But he needed to hear her voice.

He taped the green button and waited for her to answer.

"Hi," Emily breathed across the line. She sounded a bit out of breath.

"Hey Princess, you okay?" Morgan asked, slightly concerned. She laughed softly.

"Yeah, sorry. I was just on my treadmill. It's hard trying to fit the gym in with long hours."

"See that's the downside of being stuck behind a desk." He thought that was the only upside of her taking the job in London, less chances of her being hurt in the field. Emily had punched him in the arm when he had said it jokingly to her before she left, telling him she could look after herself.

"I miss our weekly take down sessions," Emily admitted. "Not that I've had much chance to go into the field here."

"Ah Princess," she could hear the smirk in his voice. "I miss you attempting to tackle me." She laughed at his teasing.

"Derek Morgan, you have had your ass handed to you by me on several occasions."

"Okay, okay, whatever you say." Once their laughter died down, she turned serious.

"How is everyone?" Her tone explained for her she did know something was wrong.

"Everyone's okay," Morgan replied quickly.

"What about Spencer?"

"Who called?"

"JJ and PG. One after the other," she replied. "They're worried about him. And you."

He debated telling her the truth. Deciding it was better to be honest, Morgan sighed before continuing. "He's angry, this last case hit a little close to home. It reminded of him of what Maeve went through."

"So why is he avoiding you?"

`_Damn woman, too perceptive…` _Morgan released the breath he'd been holding. "I went to find him after he got into it with the lead detective. And he admitted that he's been thinking about what ifs."

The intake of breath from Emily, told Morgan she had an idea of what happened. Her silence urged him to continue. "He told me he was mad at me."

"He's grieving; this is not your fault."

Morgan paused before divulging a vital piece of information. Was she ready for this? Was he?

"Actually it is my fault," she waited for him to continue. "Reid is angry with me because I got a second chance and never took it."

"Oh."


	3. Chapter 3

Hindsight – chapter 3

Morgan raised his hand to knock on Reid's door. They'd barely spoken a word at work all week, and it was starting to distract the others as well as him. Fortunately they had the weekend off, so he decided to drop in on Reid. They could talk this out without the rest of the team watching.

It had been good advice Emily had given him over the phone, she probably knew them both better than the rest. Spencer was like a little brother to her, someone who shared her love of books and languages, and someone who she looked out for. He remembered the look on Reid's face the Monday morning after she left for London. He'd given into his dairy cravings and needed vitamins, looking through Emily's empty desk, in hope she left some, he found the note.

'Look in your bottom desk draw, Em x'

Reid had gone back to his side of the partition and there in his draw he found a full bottle of vitamins with another note attached.

'Again with the dairy? x'

"I love dairy," Spencer had mumbled popping one into his mouth, smiling at the fact she was still taking care of him even though she wasn't there.

And she still was. Despite her own discomfort at the phone conversation between herself and Morgan that followed his revelation, Emily had told him he needed to speak to Spencer. They had never really discussed what Morgan had felt in the months after her 'death', but she knew he blamed himself, just like Spencer was shouldering the blame for Maeve's death.

"_When I came to you for advice on dealing with Reid, you urged me to tell him about what I experienced. That it would help him understand what I went through," she paused. "Maybe you should talk to him too."_

He knocked again; still no answer. "Hey kid, I'm not leaving till we talk. I will wait until you answer the door." Morgan heard shuffling on the other side of the door. The door open and he saw Spencer, in his robe and pyjamas.

"I'm not in the mood to talk," the young doctor told him, shifting uncomfortably.

"Then why did you open the door?"

"Because I know you're stubborn enough to wait and impatient enough that you'll kick my door in if I don't answer." Spencer moved back into the apartment, leaving the door open for Morgan to follow. It was dark in there. The curtains were almost closed; only a slither of light coming in through their parting. Morgan shut the door behind him, and sat on the sofa next to Reid.

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Morgan had told Emily he would talk to Reid, but he had no idea where to start. Luckily, he didn't have to, Reid spoke first.

"How did you deal with seconds thoughts after Emily was gone?"

Morgan flashed back to that night in the warehouse, Emily on the floor, wooden table leg protruding from her, blood everywhere. "I didn't. I concentrated on what she died for," he took a breath. "I had them, but I was focused on her legacy. I made sure Declan was protected.

"When she came back, that was when I dealt with the 'what ifs'. I didn't know if I could be in the field with her anymore, I requested that we do the take down training together. I needed to know how I would react in that situation again."

"Why didn't you tell her how you feel when she came back? You never told her that you-"

Morgan cut him off "I was angry that we'd been lied too. But that hadn't been her call; she was still unconscious when we were informed. I needed time to adjust to the fact she was back. I lost count of the amount of times that I stopped myself from reaching out to touch her, just to make sure she was there, not a figment of my imagination." Morgan looked at Spencer, he understood. "Every night Emily was gone I would have the dreams. She pulled through, and when she woke up in the hospital I would tell her, then she would kiss me. Every morning I would wake up, and remember she was gone."

Spencer nodded in agreement, having had similar dreams himself. He waited for Morgan to continue as he wasn't ready to share his own dreams.

"By the time I was ready to say something, thinking if she didn't feel the same at least she would know. I was absorbed in working up the nerve to talk to her about it that I didn't realise what she was going through. She wanted everything to click back into place after she came home, but she realised it couldn't. She needed to make a change before it drove her crazy." Morgan felt bad for telling Reid the things Emily had told him in confidence, but he knew Reid wouldn't repeat this to anyone, not even Emily.

"I knew something was wrong, and not wanting to repeat what happened last time; I confronted her at JJ's wedding. She admitted she had been thinking about leaving since coming back, and told me about the Interpol offer."

Spencer cleared his throat, gulping back the lump that had formed while his friend spoke. "You held her so close when you were dancing, as if she would disappear if you let go."

"I was scared, she was leaving, voluntarily." Spencer looked at him expectantly, waiting for the rest of the story. "But I realised I had a chance to say goodbye, or at least make sure she would keep in touch wherever she went. Everyone was leaving, you made sure Garcia got home, Hotch took Beth and Jack home, JJ and Will to the hotel her mother had arranged. After I helped you get Garcia in the cab," he paused, thinking of how tipsy their friend had been. "I turned back to Rossi's house, and she was hugging him goodbye, he whispered something in her ear and they both slightly turned towards me and she nodded back to him. As she was walking towards me I waved goodbye to him. She asked me to take her home."

Spencer held his breath, overwhelmed by Morgan sharing his experience with him. He was a very private person, and Spencer was grateful Morgan for trying to comfort him, that he was able to confide in him. Morgan needed to say this as much as Spencer needed to hear it. Despite his grief he was glad he was able to provide a safe place for his friend's confession.

"In the cab, Emily asked me to come in to talk, she wanted to explain."


	4. Chapter 4

Author note - Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and following the story. It was originally intended as a one shot, to get an idea I had out of my head, but after I wrote the first chapter the idea kept developing.

Hindsight – chapter 4

Flashback

Emily's hand was shaking as she turned the key to let them into her apartment. She had invited him up to talk, but the memories of his heartbeat quickening as she stepped into his arms, mirroring her own, combined with the alcohol they had consumed made her realise how this would seem if she told anyone.

"Morgan took me home."

In her minds' eye she could see the next ladies night, JJ sitting there eyes wide with shock, smirk playing on her lips, while Penelope sat next to her with a grip on her arm that would leave little half-moon marks from her nails.

All three of them would be silent for a minute before Penelope would be unable to take it anymore and would lunge forward to hug Emily.

Emily bit back tears as she realised that night would never happen. She may have said that she was only thinking about going to London, but she knew she was going to take the job.

As she put the deadbolt on the door, she felt Morgan behind her. His hand coming to rest on the small of her back, even though she was breaking his heart by walking away, he would still support her. Her eyes welled up, afraid the tears would spill over, and she looked for a job to distract her for a few minutes.

"Coffee?" She said brushing past him to make her way to the kitchen, not daring to look up into his face.

"Yeah thanks." He followed her into the kitchen, leaning against the worktop, watching her prepare the coffee.

Emily took her first sip before she raised her eyes to Morgan's. "Please stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?" Morgan asked her. He grimaced slightly at the taste of decaf.

"Like, I'm going to disappear if you blink. I'm not going anywhere, at least not tonight."

"But you are going."

"I think I have to," she paused before continuing. "Nothing I have tried has stopped me from feeling this way. It's driving me insane." They locked gazes for a moment before she looked away. "I asked you to stop looking at me like that."

"I'm sorry," Morgan put his coffee cup on the counter behind him and took a step towards her. Her sadness was reflected in his eyes, their fingertips brushed lightly as she stepped into his embrace. She held onto him for a few minutes, before taking a step back but not completely leaving his hold, their foreheads met, eyes cast down towards the floor.

His heart was racing as he stood there. He understood what she was saying, and knew she was going to need his support when she talked to the rest of the team.

"I understand you need a change, but London?"

"I'm not sure. It will be a great opportunity." She tried to sound optimistic, trying to convince herself as much as Morgan.

He sighed. Not sure whether he should hold his tongue. "I'm going to miss you."

"I'll miss you too." Her hands moved further up his arms; eyes still looking down. "At least this time I'll still be able to talk to you, and visit."

"You know Penelope will be making sure you have Skype and Facebook set up on your laptop before you go, don't you?" They both laughed softly, before he added "And she'll be tracking your phone."

"I really hope she won't do that, but I know why she will."

They fell silent for a few more minutes. Gazes slowly met. Morgan moved slowly so she could stop him if she wanted to, even pausing for a second. She nodded slightly in response, and he closed the distance between them.

Morgan had meant it to be a quick kiss, but she raised her arms around his neck to keep him there as she deepened the kiss herself. His hands immediately tightened their hold on her waist, pulling her closer. The kiss came to a natural end when they felt the need for air.

Emily looked up at Morgan almost shyly. And then she started to smile when she saw he was looking at her the same way.


	5. Chapter 5

Author note – this chapter touches a darker place. WARNING - Mentions drug use and suicide.

Hindsight – chapter 5

"I spent the rest of the night just holding her." Morgan stopped, not wanting to divulge the other kisses they shared, or the fact she snuggled into his chest when the alarm sounded in the morning and sleepily asked for five more minutes. He would never forget look in her eyes as she gazed up at from him from her spot on his chest.

"_Morning," she whispered._

It took all of his will power to not roll them over and make love to her. There was no way he would have been able to let her go after that.

Reid sat back on the couch; he could feel the tears on his cheeks. "But Emily still went to London."

"I didn't kiss her to make her stay, I couldn't do that to her. I didn't want to ask her to stay only to have her regret it later," Morgan admitted, remembering the taste of her tears on his lips as they said goodbye at the airport. "We haven't spoken about it since. Everything happened quickly after she gave her resignation to Hotch, we never had any time to ourselves. And it's not the kind of conversation you have over the phone or through a webcam."

Reid was unsure of how to respond. They sat in silence, absorbed in their own thoughts, taking comfort that someone else understood.

After a while, Reid spoke.

"I'm sorry I told I was angry at you," he paused. "Thank you for sharing with me."

Morgan nodded his head in acknowledgment. "Did it help?"

Reid thought about it for a minute, recalling every word the older man had said. Spencer didn't reply, simply stood up and went to his kitchen. As he rummaged through a cupboard he heard Morgan follow him, and he started to explain. "You said you dealt with Emily's death by continuing what she started." Spencer found what he had been looking for. Holding the items in his hand, he contemplated them for a moment before handing them over to Morgan. "I would appreciate it if you could get rid of these for me."

Morgan looked down at the syringe and two vials of clear liquid. He looked up at his friend, realising what he had been planning.

"These are the only ones I have. I haven't been using, you can check for track marks if you like," Spencer told him. "I first contacted Maeve to seek help for my headaches. She was trying to find a solution for me." He took a breath before continuing. "She told me she loved me. I wouldn't be doing her legacy any justice by taking my own life."

Morgan nodded in agreement and went to flush the contents of the vials down the toilet and crushed them and the syringe with a loud stomp of his boot. He cleared the debris with the dust pan and brush he found, careful not to touch the glass with his hands. In the background he heard Spencer move about the apartment and shut his bedroom door. They both needed a few minutes to themselves.

By the time Reid emerged fully dressed from his bedroom, Morgan was back sat on the sofa, two coffees in front of him on the table. At some point the curtains had been opened and there was light in the room. He knew Morgan wanted him to elaborate.

Sitting down on the sofa, he leant forward to take a sip of his coffee. Putting his cup down, Reid rested his elbows on his knees. Staring out the window, he started to talk.

"We've all lost someone we love. Hotch lost Hayley, Rossi lost Carolyn, and you lost Emily. All of you dealt with it on your own, telling the rest of us that you were okay, and we accepted the lies because we knew you were grieving." He paused. "I wanted to keep everything associated with Maeve honest. Everyone would expect me to start feeling better, but the feelings that I have won't go away. If I had admitted this to anyone, they would have worried that I wasn't getting better. I didn't want to lie about her."

"So don't lie to me about your grief, tell me about her life."


	6. Chapter 6

Hindsight – chapter 6

Morgan turned up to work Monday morning feeling much better. He had spent the rest of the day listening to Reid. The younger man lit up speaking about Maeve, he wasn't focused on her death but the memories they shared. When he'd left that night, Spencer had promised he wouldn't turn to drugs as the solution. Spencer may not have been ready to talk about Maeve's death, but he knew Morgan would be there to listen when he was.

Opening his office door, Morgan's gaze fell on the white envelope on his desk. Dropping into his chair he lifted it up.

'You provided me with an opportunity to talk without pressure, in return I'm providing you with an opportunity to have a conversation you need to have in person. Don't let your second chance end like your first.'

He opened the envelope to reveal an undated, open ended return flight to London.

He looked at it for a few minutes, before laughter from the bullpen caught his attention. Penelope was standing over Reid poking and pulling at his hair, complaining that he had let it grow long again, offering to cut for him. JJ and Blake were trying and failing to contain their laughter as the young doctor squirmed away. Reid stood and turned to Penelope, laughter in his own eyes, to say something Morgan couldn't quite hear. JJ obviously had, and she couldn't hold her laughter back.

Penelope stood there with a smile on her face. She knew her Boy Wonder was coming back to them.

As she turned to Blake and JJ mentioning something about getting the scissors, Reid glanced towards Morgan's office. Catching his gaze, he offered a guilty smile, wondering if he'd overstepped his bounds. The tip of the envelope and nod of thanks told him he hadn't.

'Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone. We find it with another.'

Thomas Merton

Author Note – That's where I'm going to leave this for now. I definitely have thoughts for a sequel, but I think I need more practice writing Derek and Emily scenes before I get to that, this is the first thing I've written in over ten years. All of the reviews have been so positive, and I'm very grateful. However, there is one thing I would like to say to Guests – amazing :D, :)).


End file.
